Every corner
has been cut; every quarter has been squeezed. Diligently, doggedly,
sometimes drearily, you and your spouse (if you have one) have toiled
for what seems your entire lifetime to attain one shining spectacular
end - the Family Homestead.
Giddily and even a little tearily, you call your beloved brood of loin-fruit to the tender circle
of your parental embrace and announce, “Kids, pack your stuff. We're
moving to the country”.
There are cheers. There is
palpable excitement. There is one child not jumping up and down
and with a distinct cloud over her head. “What ever is the matter,
my dear?!” you exclaim in dismay.
The child in question does not move and
seems for all the world to be carved in granite. Only her eyes
turn their full attention to you, burning a hole in yours for a full
minute before she utters three words slowly, clearly and unblinkingly:
“I’m not going.”
Now, this child may be 16, or
she may be 6, but the one thing you absolutely positively must NOT do at
this point is laugh. OK, two things - you must also not get angry.
Whatever the age of the
offspring in question, their feelings about such a huge change in their
life must be considered.
Now you could, at this point,
dissolve into a puddle of shame, pull your child close and weep, “I’m
sorry, honey. What were we THINKING? Of course we will stay right
here in the Mountain View Apartments, overlooking the spectacular Fast
Food and Chain Store Range across the street! Now here’s twenty
dollars - toddle off to the mall and make it all better.”
Or...
You could take immediate offense
and holler, “We have pert near kilt ourselves getting to this point and
you are NOT an adult - you are our CHILD for pity’s sake. You will
do as we say and live where we go and when we say ‘jump’ you will ask
‘how high?’ DO we make ourselves abundantly CLEAR? If you
don’t like it - grow up, get a job, and move your sorry behind back to
the city."
Now, the first reaction will
make you miserable till your child grows up and moves out, at which
point you will realize that she has spent all your money at the mall and
you no longer have the financial ability to move to the country.
The second reaction will make your child miserable till she moves out
which, in turn, guarantees that YOUR life will be miserable, at least
for the next (fill in the blank) years.
May I suggest as your third
alternative, the Rules of Ate.
These are not really rules;
they're more like steps.
And they have nothing to do with
food.
And there are not eight of them.
But we are not talking about ME
and my lack of cohesiveness. We are talking about a very serious
problem with your child, and I’m just trying to help. You may
thank me later. Or not.
Rule One: Validate.
The idea of leaving everything
familiar behind and moving to a new place, even if it’s only a few
blocks away is stressful for the most hardened adult. Now, think
about the little person who’s maybe never known another house or
neighborhood in their life. If the child in question is old enough
to go to school and have friends, the problem is insurmountable in their
minds. Talk about and really listen to her fears and issues
regarding the move and reassure her that you will do everything possible
to make the transition a smooth one and promise (and mean it) that she
will NOT lose touch with her old friends and will have a richer life for
the making of new ones.
