When I was discussing
options with my insurance agent, I asked if we could get MDI, and
surprisingly, she had no idea what I was talking about. Apparently all
the insurance companies cover are mundane things like tornadoes, fires,
theft, and flood. Not a word about the most devastating disaster of all:
Mouse Damage.
These tiny rodents
are not only destructive, fast multiplying, and smelly; but they have
unarguably the best public relations campaign in the history of public
relations campaigns. From level-headed justice-minded Mickey Mouse, to
pitiful lost Fivel and his hat that’s too big for him in American Tale,
to the singing mice in t-shirts helping Cinderella get ready for the
ball, big screen mice are all small whiskered heroes. From the first
time we hear “M is for Mouse” (unless you are Canadian where “M is for
Moose”) we have a warm fuzzy feeling regarding the little stinkers.
So the first time one makes a
wrong turn and scampers across your feet, your likely reaction will be
something on the order of “AAAIIIIEEEEE! (In midair, followed by a
whole-body shudder upon hitting the ground), but then “AWWWWW- it’s so
CUTE”, and you will not only NOT be aware of the impending menace, you
will consider yourself fortunate to have had such a close encounter with
a little jewel of Nature.
Several days later, scanning the
pantry shelf for a nice can of chicken soup, you will see them- and you
will think to yourself “My, those mice are resourceful- leaving a trail
of chewy mouse raisins to find their way back home, just like in Hansel
and Gretel”. It should only take a split second for your mind (the human
mind being the marvel that it is) to discard the notion of mouse grocery
stores selling mouse raisins for the express purpose of navigational
convenience, and realize that what is actually all over your pantry
shelves is MOUSE POOP. This makes it an entirely different matter.
Right about then, still gagging
from the idea of your food supply being used as a running rodent toilet,
you will notice other subtle changes in the pantry. Everything that can
be gotten into will have been gotten into. Cereal, pasta, bread, chips,
anything not encased in metal or glass will have been tasted and
tainted.
If the little
darlings have been REALLY busy and REALLY hungry, you will no longer be
able to find the chicken soup you originally came for since the label
will have been peeled off and shredded. I’ve found tiny teeth marks on
the lid of the peanut butter (in it’s label-less jar). We once had a tiny
hole chewed though a full bottle of canola oil with nary a drop of oil
on the shelf (don’t you know THOSE mice had really clean intestinal
tracts), an entire batch of curing soap eaten through, and what made my
son a lifelong Mouse Hater: a complete 10-pack of Yoo-Hoo-in-a-Box’s
broken into and slurped down.
WOW you are thinking, this chick
is a REALLY bad housekeeper!
A true enough statement, but not
completely relevant to this topic.
This scope of damage can be done
in an insanely short period of time. A single mouse can visit a feeding
spot up to 200 times a night (it’s true, I found it on the internet) and
they have incredibly high metabolisms.
"Well, that’s YOUR problem", you
say; "it’s clearly your fault for living in a 100+ year-old house that’s
about as airtight as a fishing net. MY house has things like windows
that close properly and floors that actually meet the walls."
Mice are tiny. They are stealthy
and they are apparently collapsible (like those tin cups you were issued
in your Scout Mess Kit). Your average-sized mouse has no problem fitting
through the same square footage that the Lord’s Prayer takes up on a
grain of rice. If your home contains ANY spaces this size or larger from
the Outside World to the Inside World, you will have mice.
"Alrighty then", you
say, confident smile on your face, "I’m a human. Mice are rodents. It
would take the contents of 100 mouse heads just to equal the size of MY
brain (give or take). I will put any food packaged in non-chew-through
containers in the fridge, the freezer or in hermetically sealed mouse-proof
bins, thereby solving the problem. If there’s no food for them to get,
they will go away."
If that were the case, this
would be the end of the story, and according to my editor, I must submit
a minimum of 1000 words, and we are just 300 words shy of that.
