Ya know what I hate?
I hate leaving the farm.
For almost any reason.
Leaving the farm means that
I’ve gotta get in my CAR, take it on the ROAD, and go somewhere there
will most likely be PEOPLE.
I hate that.
Because people, as a general
group, and I have not a whole lot in common nowadays.
There are times that I am thrust
into a social situation where what I do, and how I do it, down on the
farm are just not considered normal. Now, on most given days, I
consider that an excellent gauge of whether I’m on the right track or
not - the farther from "socially normal" I am, the closer to my ideal.
But there are those few
times, luckily, no more than several a year, that I must, for whatever
reason, pick out a Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ dress (no pantyhose, I draw an
indelible line there) that covers my tattoos, find a pair of shoes that
has NOT seen the inside of a chicken house, paint on the L’Oreal Soft
Fern eye shadow and the Naked Ambition lipstick (yep, got it just for
the name), and break out the Dressy Velvet hair scrunchie. Once
all gussied and at whatever social event merited such foolishness, I
then have to be SOCIAL. With PEOPLE.
Here’s where the problem starts.
Because apparently, "normal" people talk about things like going to the
gym to workout, the merits of different imported coffees, and the latest
sale at the mall. There are two main themes to the conversations -
acquisition and self-improvement.
Well, that’s not quite fair.
Sometimes they also talk about their children’s’ acquisitions as well as
their carefully planned and supervised free time activities.
For a while, this bumpkin was at
a loss at these types of social functions, having nothing considered of
value to say and all, but now I actually look forward to them.
I’ll gracefully slide on into the midst of the group and wait for
someone to politely ask me what WE’VE been up to?
“Oh Sugar (sweet smile) we’ve
been so frightfully busy what with the Alternative Lifestyle
Implementation since as you may know we’ve located our domestic
headquarters in the financially advantageous Rural Renewal area.
We recently traded up on that
minivan and got a fully loaded, recycled, multi-purpose vehicle with
cargo room to spare, custom seat covers, and the convertible RV option.
The house is a wonder, and
there’s no denying that. It has a full flow thru ventilation
system, a rooftop-based, whole-house-humidifying feature, and more than
ample storage in the open-air basement.
Naturally, security is always an
issue, and we have installed the best in home guardians. For a
minimal outlay in expense and upkeep, our personal crime deterrent will
patrol the entire fence line a minimum of once per hour, sound an
audible alarm if it senses any movement within it’s range, and as an
added bonus, it even keeps track of the children.
And it was such a HASSLE driving
all the way to the gym, that we now have our own (yes we DO) right in
the back yard. It’s so convenient to put on my workout clothes,
head to the yard, and be able to finish a whole body routine without
leaving home. Aerobics, resistance training, stretching, power
lifting, the whole nine yards, honey. And as an added benefit, I
can do my tanning at the same time.
Of course you can’t be fit
outside without being fit inside as well - you KNOW it’s true, it was
just on Oprah. And good eating requires that you use only
the BEST foods. Thanks to our seasonal produce incubator, we have
fruit and veggies that are fresh as can be and sometimes even enhanced
with important trace minerals! And we have the latest technology
for producing and keeping our milk and eggs at their peak freshness
thanks to individual climate-controlled storage units that manufacture
and hold these commodities till just before we use them.
There are times when we have
just TOO MUCH food, if you can believe it, and then we employ our
antiseptic pressure edibles sealer, which is absolutely fabulous since
we can control the fat, salt, and sugar amounts in the finished dishes,
not to mention how darlingly festive all those pretty jars are lined up
on the kitchen shelves.
And our son is simply thriving
in this environment!
We decided not to enroll him in
public school and he’s enjoying the luxury of one on one tutoring.
I KNOW, it seems a horrible extravagance, but it’s such a joy to see him
blossoming with lesson plans that are authored specifically for him.
Well of COURSE he is involved in
organized sports - every day after lessons are finished, he joins up
with other kids in the neighborhood and participates in
non-age-level-specific, cross-cultural execution of a variety of casual
competitions that encourage team play, foster both leadership and
listening skills, as well as emphasize lasting friendships over
short-term victory.”
By this time, my audience is
usually frozen with professionally whitened teeth exposed and drying out
by their "polite smiles", framed with their carefully painted and pouty
lips. Their eyes (expertly lined and lashed with extensions) gaze
at me a little glazed, and I can tell they are not sure how to respond.
Since timing is everything, I
never wait for their response. I’ll wait till just before the silence
gets plumb uncomfortable, smile even bigger and more sincerely than THEY
smiled, graciously tell them how WONDERFUL it is seeing them again, how
they simply MUST call me soon and come out to visit, and beat a hasty
retreat to the food table (if there’s anything left that’s still edible)
on my way out the door.
Between the door and my car, my
shoes will be off.
Once in the car, the makeup gets
rubbed away before it suffocates my face.
Home is calling me, and I hum a
little ditty as I maneuver through the traffic towards my old Bubba
truck with the gun rack, drafty old farmhouse, loveable serious Pyrenees
in the yard, barnyard full of building and repair projects, vegetable
garden, dairy goats, laying hens, old trusty pressure canner, and my
beloved home schooled boy who’s playing a never ending constantly
shifting set of hybrid sports with the neighbor kids.
The public relations guys are
right.
It’s all in the Spin.
