Instructions for giving your cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
friend.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed,
hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour
pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.
Compare the above with:
Instructions for giving your Dog a pill:
1) Stuff pill into a piece of cheese.
