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The Complete Sissy-boy's Guide to Pick-Up Trucks by Neil Shelton

continued from page three

The Bed

Despite how it looks in today's market, there are really only two bed sizes: those that will hold a 4x8 sheet of plywood lying flat, and those that are too small.  The eight-foot length in particular is important because there are a LOT of things you'll be buying which require an eight-foot bed.  Since you can get a bed with greater than 4x8 inside dimensions in even some of the smallest trucks, it's a good idea to make this choice.

The 1957 Chevrolet, General Motors' first civilian four-wheel drive pickup. 

The Engine

Interestingly enough, the engine is one of the less important considerations, partly because you don't have a lot of choices anyway.

A diesel engine would be superior for farm or homestead use (and probably any other use, for that matter) but currently diesels in light trucks are very rare in America.  Izusu used to import a diesel pick-up, but those are getting harder and harder to find.  Mahindra, the Indian tractor people, will be importing a small diesel pick-up with an 8-foot bed next year, and more diesels are headed our way in the future.

As for today, it would be hard for any earth-conscious person to choose a V-8 engine in anything as light as a quarter- or half-ton truck.  You probably won't find any V-8's in quarter-tons at all, and six-cylinder half- tons are quite plentiful.  You can get all the pull you need from lower gearing with a good four- or five-speed manual transmission, leaving us to the last item...

The Transmission

You can't operate a manual transmission?  My goodness, you really are a si... well, let's not go there. 

Being limited to an automatic transmission may be okay for a teenage girl (although I made it a point to teach my girls how to get home on their own, no matter the circumstances) but it's a very expensive weakness in the country.

Here's what you need to do before you leave the city, honey... 

You need to learn how to use a clutch.  The best way I know to do this is to go out and buy yourself a truck with a strong, truck-style transmission, with what's referred to as a "granny gear" low.  By the time you get it home, you should know everything you need to about how to use the clutch, after that,  the rest is just a matter of developing finesse.

A standard transmission and clutch system is simple, strong and repairable.  An automatic transmission is none of these things; when one fails, the only practical solution is to replace the whole expensive mess.

In fact, that's probably the most beautiful aspect of the perfect homestead truck - it's the one with the fewest options, the lowest cost, and the most economical operation.  Keep it lubricated and maintained, and you can depend on it for a lifetime of hauling, pulling and getting you in and out in the worst of weather.

It may not make you feel more macho, but you'll spend less time in the ditch, and save enough hard cash to be a panty-waist in style.

The future of the pickup?  Mahindra, the tractor people, promise to assemble this homely little truck in Ohio next year (2010).  It has an eight-foot bed, six speed (automatic) transmission and is powered by a clean diesel that's said to deliver 30 mpg and 300 ft lbs. of torque.  A diesel/hybrid version will follow.

 

 
 

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